When I was a child I liked to play games with my mom. Sometimes I would hide and wait for her to
find me and other times I would ask her if I could be her hand servant for an
evening, at her command for whatever she wanted me to do. I would be put to task vacuuming, wiping down
the kitchen floors and other various chores that would take the day’s burden of
work from the shoulders of a single mother raising a boy. I did these things because I loved her, but looking
back I see how I was also seeking her favour.
I wanted her to be proud of me and to return the love that I so
desperately sought.
It is so easy for us to become subjects to the opinions of
other people. Where I sought favour from my mother, I wanted to gain her favour
by my actions or words. Often I would be
rewarded, but it was never enough to make me feel better about myself. Much of my life has played out like this,
where I sought the approval of others through my actions and words. I have even based my involvement in ministry
off of this mentality. However, the
truth about myself made itself known to me while I was in Kosovo…
At the beginning of our tour, we headed east from Prishtina
into the rolling hills and beautiful countryside. The roads wound back and forth in the valleys
of old, old mountains that had been eroded into nubs. Forests covered the hills like blankets and
fields spread out in the valleys, making it suitable for farmers to claim land
for their families. As we came down the
other side of the hill lands, a massive valley opened up before us and in it sat
a town with the name Kamenica.
It was approaching evening time in Kamenica when we gathered
on a hill overlooking the town. In the
center of the town was a mosque complete with dome and tower. It stood
as the town’s monument for the religious life.
It was the totem for attaining Allah’s mercy and it was as I was looking
down on this spectacle that I realized I had more in common with these people
than I had first thought…
~~~~~
If religion is considered as mankind’s various attempts to
find God, then the motivator of religion could be said to be mankind’s attempt
to find God’s (Gods’) favour. Let’s look
at some examples.
In animistic folk
religions, people revere the spirits (of ancestors or mischief) and make
sacrifices to them in order to sway them to act in the people’s favour. Every natural event is connected with a
spirit’s action and therefore a person’s devotion to the spiritual world gives
them good fortune in the physical world as the spirits favour them. Many people of animistic cultures have been
known to sing to the spirits as they are working in the fields, so that the
spirits would give them good fortune in their harvests. Others will sacrifice animals or even children
to stay the wrath of evil spirits that they believe are responsible for great
tragedy.
There was a similar mindset in the ancient Greco-Roman
era. Polytheism
was widely accepted across the Roman Empire
and people would make sacrifices of animals in order to attain favour or
blessing from whichever god they entreated.
Women would petition Diana (the Roman equivalent of the Greek goddess
Artemis) to make them fertile for childbearing or even to protect their child
during childbirth. There were many gods
and goddesses (one was created pretty much any time Zeus fancied another woman
or goddess and took them by force) for people to desire favour from.
But this thinking also popped up in monotheistic religions as well.
It pops up in the Jewish Law and the Qur’an. The most obvious example to
westerners might be the ideal behind most of Catholicism in the way of gaining
God’s approval through good works and financial giving. However, it is certainly not limited to one branch of Christianity. Many evangelical Protestants places great value in a person’s belief of certain
doctrines to truly be right with God. In
this regard it is what “doctrine” a person believes that gains them God’s
favour.
And so this cycle of self-validation takes place, and
perpetual entrapment of the heart. Some
laws have been set up to abide by in order to receive favour from God, as if
doing good things gains us merit we can use like currency. It seems to be
mankind’s natural inclination to seek or buy its own salvation for the afterlife.
But can we buy out God?
At college I learned much about the teachings of the
Bible. I learned about how certain
themes continued throughout scripture which “doctrines” could be formed out of. Many of the Christian “doctrines” surround a
well known notion called grace. I learned all about grace; I read about it in
the Scripture and in textbooks; I heard sermons preached on the subject. I thought I understood what grace was, but I was lying to myself.
I once heard someone refer to grace and mercy as two sides
of the same coin. They said that mercy is “not receiving that which we
deserve” (wrath and punishment) while grace
is “receiving that which we do not deserve” (blessing and favour). Though I feel that this is a utterly simplified
version of what mercy and grace really are, the meaning of grace is undeniable
throughout the New Testament. Grace is
in essence “unmerited favour”. Unmerited
meaning that it cannot be earned; it must be given freely without payment or
debt. The notion suggests to us that
something has been afforded to us that we could not afford on our own.
When pastors and biblical scholars think of the word grace, one person comes into mind
(besides God). The Apostle Paul’s
writings were heavily laden with the subject of grace. For Paul it was essential for the believer to
know that their received salvation through grace
alone and not by merit or good deeds. In
Romans 3:24 we find Paul explicitly saying that mankind is justified only
through grace. Ephesians 2:8 repeats that those who have
faith are saved by grace, which is
the “gift of God”. This teaching of salvation through grace is littered throughout
scripture. It’s as if the writers wanted
to make sure that the most blockheaded of people would understand the
relationship between salvation and grace.
This is what I knew to be true…
…but something was missing for so long. I hadn’t identified it until that moment
overlooking that town which sprawled across the valley like a vast river of
white and orange. Something was
missing. Something that left me alone with
my attempts to be a good person.
Something that left me grappling with my sinfulness and imperfection. Something that left me constantly falling
short in life.
For so long I had understood grace, accepted grace as
the process through which I was saved…but I had not extended grace to myself.
Like the people of Kamenica, I had an established book of divine
morality which I had tried to abide by and which I constantly failed to abide
by. Like those people, I sought out to
gain favour with God through good deeds and when I failed to stop sinning, I
would punish myself. For years upon
years I had lived in a personal prison of spiritual self-mutilation, trying to
burn the sin from myself by my own strength.
And it was on that hill, as the sun set just above the
surrounding peaks, that I finally forgave myself. I finally chose to see myself in the same
light that God saw me. I finally
extended the same grace I had
extended to others, the grace that
God extended to me when I first believed, to my own aching heart.
Tears were born as all the texts, sermons and knowledge of
what grace is were fulfilled by the presence
of grace itself.
~~~~~
Accepting that we are broken and sinful people is hard for
most people to accept. Everyone thinks
that they are “okay” people, somewhere on the good side of the figurative
good/evil line. Even if we have accepted
our sinfulness, we can still seek to control our sin. We strive for holiness and purity above
everything else and find ourselves coveting the word “godly” as an adjective to
be used before our names.
But by chasing after these “good” things, we are missing the
big picture. Pursuit of godliness is
like the pursuit of a rainbow. It is
like trying to pin down moonlight or to catch a whisper in a jar. Godliness is not something that we can work
for or attain. We will always be
disappointed in ourselves if we have made that the goal of our ambitions. Those who believe that they have achieved
godliness are lying to themselves, because godliness is something cultivated in
us by God. It is a part of grace.
Instead, we must chase after God! When we chase after God, we realise that the
object of our pursuits is what makes us godly.
It is what changes us and conquers the sin in us. Attempts to change ourselves and to stop
sinning are useless. Sin is inextricably
graphed to us as we are now. What's more is that when you
are against the dark, all you can focus on is the dark. But when you are for the light, the dark will
naturally fade away. That is the power
of divine grace!
And by accepting grace, we can then share that grace with
ourselves, to let it transform who we are.
When we have forgiven ourselves, how much easier will it be to forgive
others?
Imagine a world where grace
reigned? Where grace rained down from the sky and was felt by
every person. What would the world be
like then? When no wrong was the seed
for bitterness and revenge? When our
shortcomings were overcome by forgiveness and encouragement?
It is no wonder that John Newton (a slave trader in the 18th
century) wrote the words:
Amazing grace! (how sweet the sound)
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believ'd!
Thro' many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believ'd!
Thro' many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
~John Newton 1779
